Wednesday, July 06, 2005

-have it your way-

The Imaginary Day

It was the start of a brand new week, and i was preparing to go to church. Church - a place where i can praise and worship God. a place where there's no more condemnation, no more scoldings, just warmth, love and care. a place where His presence envelopes me. where i can sense Him carrying me in His arms and so ever whispering softly that He loves me.

I dolled myself up to the best i know how. because i never want to look ragged or dirty for my God. my omnipotent Father in heaven. i stepped out of my house and breathe in the smell of early morning.. birds were chirping happily and everything seems to be in place.

on the way to the ground level, i checked myself once through in the lift. no stains on my little white blouse. skirt a few inches above my knees.. hair all in placed. and as i look at the reflection of myself looking back at me with a smile, i thought.. thank God for sundays. =)

i literally float to church. unknowingly, i seem to smile at everyone and anyone i saw. i thought of what i will be doing in church later. service, fellowship, serving.. the new friends that will be coming.. oh wow.. i cant wait to go church. gee..

i reached church and had a great service.. the friends who came all received Christ and we talked like long lost friends re uniting.. Sis py smiled like never before.

went home and received a sms by her.. good job guys.. u did well.. follow up on her and her and him..


sometimes it so difficult. and yeah. i often imagine of that happening. u know.. days that i wun get scoldings.. where i go church and really enjoy the presence of God.. and feel His love enveloping me. but its just so different. i have to come back to reality. and get the fact into my mind that things like this will never happen.

my group attendance is not growing. ive tried praying, fasting, crying out to God. i cant do a thing when they dont even answer my phone calls. ive got a helper. but that's of no help. i enjoy serving God.. i love calling them up and talking to them.. but it hurts. when they reject my calls. it hurts when they make empty promises

they said they will come but they in the end they didnt. know how i feel? when u promised, make sure u do it.

im sad too. when i see my group's attendance. its not as if i want it to be like this. its not as if i love to see the friends come and go. no. you want new friends. i'll bring for you. but how many can i bring? what can i do? ive got only ONE member. and EIGHT friends. and that member is not helping.

its to the extent that im afraid to answer your calls. afraid to tell you my group's attendance. im not proud of it. in fact, i dun want anyone to know.

can u see that im trying? trying very hard indeed. ive never once thought of u praising me or what. but.. ive really put lotsa effort in it. its not easy. common tests are coming. im failing my exams. building fund coming, i have to go work cuz i wanta give more. i want growth too. but its so difficult.

i look at other groups and see their attendance. i looked at mine again and i wished.. i wished that mine is the same. but its not.

smile a facade. im trying so hard and there's no results. fruitless. should i continue on? or just should i just give it up? seems like my Father up there.. is not hearing my cries.

i thought You saw my tears ? i thought u heard my cries? i thought i was strong enough to go through it all. but somehow, the results just proved me wrong. very wrong

i never needed someone as much as i need You. i never cried so much. i never knew how important it is to really depend on You. now i know. and would You give me a chance to start over again even though i blew it the first time? will You still be there for me? will You continue to abide in me as i abide in You? will You? i really dunno


| s a n d y wrote this down @ 23:51|

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